A FEW weeks ago I decided to seek a Guam business license to rent my home, as I live alone there and don’t really need four bedrooms. It was an interesting and arduous process, recounted here for your information and amusement.

It began with a visit to the One Stop Center in the Public Works compound. The Rev and Tax business license lady was present and gave me some forms and directed me to the DPW person at the next counter. He provided more forms and checklists and set up an appointment for a home inspection by a DPW representative a week hence.

The DPW inspector arrived on schedule and spent at least 10 minutes with me, found no discrepancies and annotated my clearance form.

A few days later, I returned to the One Stop Center. Alas, it was a Tuesday, and the business license person is there only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Silly me. The DPW person verified my inspection clearance and suggested that I go to the Department of Rev and Tax to finish up. I did so, and once there learned that I first needed Land Management clearance from the folks on the third floor of the GITC building. There I got another checkmark on my clearance form and was now ready to confront the Rev and Tax business license process on its home turf.

I first visited the GRT branch, where I was referred to the Business License branch. At the Business License branch, I learned that I first needed clearance from the Income Tax Processing and Collections branches. At the Income Tax Processing branch, a rather rude man informed me that I owed several thousand dollars on my 2010 income tax, asked whether I’d signed an agreement to pay it, and refused to process my application. I disagreed and was given the key to a small private room where I expected to be grilled – perhaps waterboarded – pursuant to the mysterious tax arrears.

In the little room, a friendly and knowledgeable lady explained how the rude guy was wrong when he refused to process my application. (She said their computer made an error and I owe them nothing. I say “garbage in, garbage out.”)

After a brief stop at the Collections branch, it was back to the Business License branch, where I learned that I still lacked a crucial clearance from one of the previous stops. Another nice lady there, recognizing my advanced state of confusion and perhaps suspecting Alzheimer’s, asked me to take a seat and said she’d take care of it. It was getting close to 5 p.m. and I was considering whether to simply abandon the entire mad scheme when she eventually returned, explaining that “the new staff don’t yet know how to do it right.”

On to the final stop, the Collections branch, where I paid $2.50 (three months prorated) for a business license authorizing me to rent my home should I find a renter. Guam is probably the only place in the nation that requires a business license for a homeowner to rent one single family home and, as you can see, the approval process can keep an entire squad of GovGuam employees busy for several days or weeks.

The administration’s financial guru says 90 percent of GovGuam spending goes to payroll and benefits. That’s only part of the story, as she didn’t mention revenues. As our Public Accountant often declares and proves, GovGuam continues in its relentless commitment to spend far more than it takes in. A few years ago, I used GovGuam financial statements to show payroll and benefits equal to approximately 106 percent of revenues. Last year we received $2.1 billion from the federal government, about four times what GovGuam generates on its own, while we contribute nothing to the federal treasury. Where do you think we’d be if left to our own devices?

One final comment about dealing with GovGuam agencies: At each and every stop, one must wait in line – usually standing – for periods ranging from brief to interminable. Will GovGuam ever enter the 21st century?